Just Show Up and Give Thanks

peony-right

Here’s the thing, Momlife is hard.  It can feel overwhelming at times.  I’ve found ways to let myself off the hook of feeling guilty and looking at ways to be thankful for the “right now”.  Tonight I crept into my kiddos room, just like every night. I sleep better knowing they are passed out in the dream world. Luke was stretched out in his usual position with his arms above his head. Every night I fight to not crawl in bed with him and just hold him.

I know there is coming a time he won’t be in that toddler bed with the soft, side rail. I know it and it sucks. Well maybe not completely, but partially. I know he is going to not want my snuggles and my kisses. He will probably fight me off if I try to hug him. Do you know he still likes to ‘always be touching’. We will be watching a show and his little hand will search for mine or have to be touching my arm. He also asks to be snuggled. And I say yes every. single. time.

I slowly tiptoed around the toys, especially the dino’s because they friggin’ hurt to step on. Then, make my way to Evelyn’s room.

Home girl is curled up on her side. Her cheeks are so round and delicious. I mean, the girls got that cute rolly-polly thing going for her. Her little lips are all puckered up still from when the pacifier fell out.

My heart bursts and hurts all at the same moment.

When did I get so lucky!? When was the last time I stopped to notice how much time has passed from feeling broken and alone. When I would be surrounded by my family clearly not alone but just empty?

It feels like it was a different life all together. You know that saying, “in a previous life…”. Well, I feel that accept it was this life.

And now look. Here I am about to turn 33; a freaking hot husband that loves me; and these two nuggets that just, undo me. Literally. Parenting is so freaking hard folks.

So hard.

Like real hard.

But so dang awesome. How can two tiny humans act like cavemen one minute, then, right after tell you “mommy I love you da most” with tiny hands pressing on both sides of your cheeks? Or I hear our oldest ask Brian tonight, “daddy are you staying here? Tonight, are you staying here for a lot of minutes?” Brian responds, “Yea bud, I’m staying here tonight I don’t have to leave. Did you miss me bud? [Cue me ugly crying]”. Then…

Luke, “Daddy I did miss you”.

Ohhh my gooddnessssssssss.

Poor guy has been gone for football clinics. Brian caught me listening in at the bottom of the stairs… those kids and their big hearts undue us.  There is just no other way of describing it.

I struggle daily on wondering if I’m screwing up the kids. Maybe I’m being too hard on Luke. Maybe I’m being too protective of Evelyn. I worry about Luke starting school and juggling Evelyn’s nap and work. Am I teaching them anything? I wonder if Brian feels appreciated while I am frantically trying to keep the house in order and the kids sane. All the while not going insane…

The point is, the only real thing I can confidently say is God truly only gives you what you can handle. By showing up daily, giving thanks for the beautiful, precious blessings.  It will all work out just fine. Actually, it will be better than fine.

God knew 7+ years ago that this moment would happen. That I’d have all the desires of my heart even if I didn’t know them… He did.

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